Bring on the pain...

So it happened again.  I lost my job.  I am still not sure how it happened, but it did.  I only know that it did because I was able to sleep in today.  I refuse to dwell on this fact.  I will only move on find a new job and be a better person for it.

On a much lighter note, I finished my Hello Hat from Ravelry.  I always find the coolest patterns on there for free.  I like free.  Now I am working on a whale dishcloth for a swap.  It is the first pattern I have ever paid for so I hope it comes out okay.  Then I have to find a bag pattern to make for a crafty group member for a side swap I am doing.
Hope this week finds me better!

That time of year...

It is that time of year again--the time of year for stickiness.  I hate being sticky hot.  Today it is 90 degrees.  UGH!  I hate this hard.  I am not sure what is going on in my house, though.  My husband is installing our air conditioners and using plastic wrap and scotch tape.  I think it is as insulation?  Anyway, I am looking for new projects to do.  As far as irony goes, I have started a cowl.  I know.  I just said it is 90 degrees.  My friend said that if I start doing wintery-type stuff when it is cold and I need it, I probably won't finish it in time.  That and I couldn't think of anything else.  I am at this weird stage with knitting that I am an advanced beginner and don't want to start anything too hard.  I just don't want to fail at it.  I have been playing with different stitch patterns on the cowl and even knit through a movie last night.  It was super dark and Adam looked over at me and said, "seriously, you are knitting in the dark?"  I don't have the heart to tell him I would rather knit in the dark than watch Iron Man 2.  It is also funny how much he uses the word seriously since I started watching Grey's.  It is hilarious to me since he hates the show and has know idea that it rubbed off on me.
I am still on a quest for Relay for Life.  I currently have a non metastatic basal cell nevous which is a lot of words to say skin cancer that is slow progressing.  While it is not a urgent form it is cause for concern and sunscreen.  Lots of sunscreen.  So this is your daily notice to wear your SPF today!

Cloudy with a Chance...

We have been trying to go camping for weeks now.  Every time we plan it is rains.  So this time we said, "Screw it" and just went camping out at Siloam Springs.  It rained.  It rained the whole time.  It was insane.  A few friends met us out there making the rain bearable.  Saturday when it was dry the ladies sat by the fire and knit while the boys went fishing.  We even met up for a toasty cheesy lunch.  This gave me to time to finish my Waffel Hat.  It isn't as slouchy or long as the one they made, but it works.  A lot of my knitting retains no shape what so ever and turns into a bucket hat.  I just love the pattern on this.  I am thinking of making a matching scarf when it gets cooler.
I like to think that the trip, despite the rain, was a success.  I hope to camp more.  Maybe even head back to Siloam Springs again.  I think the next item I make will be a cowl.  I am not sure.  I will have to ask my crafty friends for suggestions of good projects.
Overall, I am trying to take things easy and not expecting too much from anything right now.  Except the weather.  I would really like some sun.

Realizations...

So I have been thinking lately.  A lot.  I have this thing--this word vomit.  It happens all the time.  Especially when I don't think people are very fond of me.  I just spit out this random things, true or false, if I believe that those words will make someone like me better.  Typically after a bout of such vomit, I will feel immediate remorse as I have crossed that line in the sand between "aw, how awkward" to "oh she is that girl".  From time to time these things can be mean and cutting and I regret them as soon as it leaves my lips.  It is so embarrassing.  I am constantly retracing my steps and running conversations over and over in my head.  This regret process is exhausting.
I realized lately that I go to such extreme lengths like this to get people to like me, because I do not like myself so much right now.  Rather than running conversations, I need to put my focus on me.  I am still not sure who I am, so how can I like me?  It is an ever evolving process.  Someone once told me that I expect too much from myself.  While that may be true, I owe it to myself to strip away the layers to see what is left.  This week there will be no makeup, no vomit, no going out of my way.  Just me.  Fresh faced to see what is underneath it all.
Adam and I were talking about my knitting.  I was telling him that I had been knitting for five months.  That was an exaggeration to prove my point.  We all fudge a bit.  Some more than others.  I do more so when it is convenient.  This behavior will not make me a better person.  Being honest and realistic will.  That is my goal for the week.  Honest and realistic.

Relay for life time!

When I was 15 I had a birthmark that turned into basal cell carcinoma.  Recently I have been diagnosed with an early stage melanoma.  This isn't as worrisome as it sounds.  This is very common and will be watched very closely.  SPF is my new BFF.  We are getting together a team to do theSangamon County Relay for Life.  It is June 19, 2010 at the state fair.  I would like for all of my friends to dig deep and see what you can come up with.  Can you join the team?  Can you donate?  Will your company match?  For those crafty friends Sarah and I decided that this a good reason for KIP (knitting in public) therefore, our team name is the Beat-Knits.  You can join or donate here.
I thank you ahead of time for your time and generosity.

Life on hold...

So lately I haven't been so great with the priorities that I had set for myself.  This begs to ask the questions:  Have I been lazy? or  Have I set the bar too high?  I wonder if I am asking too much for myself, but I see people all around me living their lives in perfect semblance.  Why can't I do it as well?  I think that I can.  I just need to recommit.
I have been knitting regularly (I told you it wasn't a fad, Adam!), and attending my craft group weekly.  It seems that I am never working on the same thing two weeks in a row.  That means that I am completing things and finishing what I start.  For so long I was putting my life on hold and just scrapping by day to day mentally and emotionally.  Kind of just going through the motions.
Work is great and I have taken on a little more responsibility, which is always good.  Home right now is a work in progress.  Our landlord received some TIF funds and is installing a bay window seat in our living room.  We literally came home one day and the wall had been demo-ed and our old windows were removed.  It is ten days later and we still have a tarp to keep our cats in.  That tarp is the only insulation we have from the outside world. It makes things very loud inside.
To add insult to injury our tv died.  One night.  One noise.  Then just POOF!  It was done.  There wasn't even a climactic cloud of smoke.  It was sad.  Now we are down to one tv.  I love watching tv in bed so I am especially torn up about this.  I guess we watch too much tv anyway.
I have some goals for this week.  I want to eat dinner at our dining room table every night.  We get so caught up that we just eat dinner in front of the tv.  It is so impersonal.  I also want to be prepared for the next day, the night before.  It is just easier that way.  Last but not least, I want to be back here posting this time next week.
Let's hope life doesn't get in the way of those goals...again.

Quick Update

So the computer broke down.  I was without it for about a week and was like a teenager with their phone taken away.  I feel like I have so much to say.  I have been rejuvenated in my crafting, per se.  I started a new project of washcloths for my nephew that will be arriving in may.  I am getting really excited.  I am using these bright vibrant boy colors and I am already on the second one.  It has brought me back to basics.  I love it.  I also have fallen in love with a hybrid yarn-quilting store Sticks and Stones.  It is just perfect!  Amazing inexpensive bamboo needles and a big clearance room.  It is heaven
On the "me" area, things have been so so.  I have been manic on and off and think that I have found a really great therapist.  I can't wait to see how that pans out.  I have been looking forward to the premiere of Treme on HBO.  It is starting...I must go...TV calling...

Meds and Murder (of worms, silly!)

I am sitting here trying to think of what to write.  It seems like so much has been happening at this rapid spit fire pace and I can't keep up.  Don't get me wrong, things are going great, but life can always throw a wrench into your plans.
Work has been awesome.  I am really enjoying it.  Things with Adam have awesome.  We rarely fight anymore.
I am knitting, reading, and listening to NPR all the time.  I am fully aware of my surroundings.  I started couch to 5k, and feel really good.  However the wrench arrived swiftly at 9 pm on Wednesday.  I just fell to pieces.  A million of them.  It was not good.  I think it was sparked by a slight change in medication.  This led to more changes in medication.  Things just got fuzzy from there.
Just as quickly as I was down, like normal, I was back up again.  I went fishing with Adam twice last week.  TWICE!  I baited the hook (murdered worms), casted out, AND released the hook from the fish all by myself.    I would have never have done these things previously and it is nice that I can share Adam's hobbies with him.  However, that being said, when we go camping, I will be knitting by the fire with the ladies.
I have been feeling a little existential lately.  Nothing is really coming from it though.  It happens at the worst times when I can't put pen to paper and I get so frustrated that I just drop it altogether.  This week I will try to harness that creative energy and make it work for me.

Progess...

Finished hat #3.  This one went super quick especially since I didn't have to "frog" it half way through.  That was very helpful.  This gorgeous aubergine belongs to Melissa, my sister in law.  I hope she likes it and isn't just like, "Oh, yeah.  Thanks!"  My next knitty natter will be--SURPRISE-- Another hat!  This one will be a camping hat for Adam.  I am excited because they go so quickly and give me a sense of much needed accomplishment.
So I had a doctor's appointment today, and it went really well.  She said that I looked really good and had a glow about me.  It seems that every time, just before I get to her office, I have some epiphany.  This brief spark of light where everything just makes sense.  I realized, even though I have been told so before, that a lot of my issue stem from self image.  I want people to like me so much that I WAY over compensate in the friendliness department.  I can see people physically getting annoyed with me.  It is like the just know I am bullshitting them.  I can see the eyes roll and the fists clench.  As with all things lately, I am just happy that I am now aware of the behavior and can try to control and/or avoid it at all costs.  If people are going to like me and enjoy my company it is not because I am trying to sound like an intellectually their peer, or say hello to them every single time they pass my desk.  They are going to like me because of me (or in spite of my transgressions).
Looking at where I was three months ago to now, I am very satisfied at the person I have become.  I am more like the kind of person I want to be.  Progress is definitely good.

365 days without...

I have been finishing things lately.  I am very proud of that.  It has been hard though.  I have been putting everything I have of myself in to changing and hopefully becoming a better person.  It is hard to forget the not-so-distant past where I have not been the best person.  I can't just change that away.  It is there it will always be.  The not nice things that I have said and thought about and to people makes me feel guilty and bad.  I can tell that despite my changes that other people see it too.  I catch Adam saying "well that is not what happened before"... I cannot just call "shenanigans" on my past intentions just because now my intentions are good and pure.  I guess that it is just part of the reality of things.

I found myself Friday, on the anniversary of my father's death, alone.  (Don't feel sorry) It was just part of the day.  When I woke up very early I was very alone and very aware of the day's significance.  I wasn't sure how to feel, but for the first time in a very long time, I just let myself fully feel my feelings about my loss.  I was on Facebook looking at a collage of photos of him and just sobbing.  It was that good sobbing that you do when no one is around.  There was just a release.  Then my cousin Dawn came on to Skype and I made her talk to me for over an hour.  She asked my how I was doing.  I said that I was fine.  I was in my pjs with tears running down my face.  Then I said I wasn't fine.  I realized I was so pre-conditioned to this state of "fine-ness" for the past year.  I definitely wasn't fine.  I was pissed.  I was angry.  I was sad.  I was definitely NOT fine.  And it was okay.  We had such a great talk, and it was so good to "see" her.  It makes me realize how much I miss my family.  I sometimes try to make Adam's family my family.  It just doesn't work.  (I am sure that they find it annoying that every few months I am just all about them.)  

The weekend went just as quickly as it came.  It seems like this next week is gone just as well.  I am really not sure what I am doing that makes time pass like this, but at times I like it.

I made a coffee cup cozy for a coworker.  It came out really quickly and is really cute.  Then on Saturday, I started a basic roll-brimmed hat.  I finished it Sunday night.  Later I sadly realized it fit my four year old niece. So Monday I tore it out and added a few more rows and Tuesday I finished it at knitting group.  I liked the pattern so much I am starting another one for my sister in law.

I am afraid that spring allergies are sneaking into the house and exploding havoc in our sinuses.  Hopefully we can keep it at bay.

Stripes, Clothes, Rangoon, Oh My!

STRIPES!
I did stripes.  I am so impressed with myself.  This week went really fast.  I was very thankful for that.  I actually completed anther project.
This weekend was super busy. Friday night was spent in Lincoln, IL with my sister in law and niece.  I had an old fashioned sleep over with the girls.  In the morning amid French toast and coffee, we trekked to Bloomington for a quilt show.  Now, I have never been to a quilt show and they are crazy.  Adam called me half way through the day saying he had a surprise for me.  I am not a huge fan of surprises generally, however this was a great surprise.  We had been talking about selling our ga-gillion  gallon aquarium for some time now.  We both kind of lost interest in it and it was the poor fish that were suffering a loss of attention.  He frikken sold the aquarium and fish and everything!  There was a huge empty wall in our dining room.  I hadn't seen the floor there since before we moved in.  The entire room is larger and the poor kitties are just confused.  When I came home we headed to Gander Mountain to pick up some essentials for the fishing season.  On the way home I convinced Adam that I needed more professional looking clothes for work.  He agreed.  We headed to the mall and I had the best time shopping.  Adam was being so helpful picking things out and helping me with sizes.  We ended up in one store for over an hour.  I am really lucky to have him be in there with me for so long and not even complain once.  I was really surprised at what an eye he had for style as well.  There were things that looked great that I would have never put together.  Today, I got up late and started right in with the dishes and finishing the entire task at hand.  Typically I would try to duck out and leave the stove top dirty or a couple dishes left unwashed.  I know that I dote on this but there is such a sense of accomplishment in completing these tasks and projects.  At the end I really feel like I have done something and that the time I have spent on something is valid and worthwhile.  I really like that feeling.  I promised Adam that I would start to go fishing with him at least once a month.  We drove all the way out to Jim Edgar State Park to fish, but to our dismay all of the ponds and lakes were still frozen.  It was 54 degrees!  The day wasn't a total bust.  We drove around the park and finally found  a small pond that was thawed out enough to fish.  It was gorgeous out.  At one point I just wanted to lay in the grass and feel the wind blow over me.  So I did.  All these things were running through my head.  Especially how I got to where I am today.  I can't believe it has been almost seven years that Adam and I have been together, that we are married, that my father is gone.  It is all so unbelievable.  It is just one large concept I cannot completely grasp.
After grocery shopping we came home and fried up some crab ran-goon.  They were AMAZING.

One of the big things coming up this week is on Friday.  It is the anniversary of my father's death.  I think that is the first time that I have put those two words together in writing.  Father's death.  That too is something very real that I have yet to completely deal with.  A couple months ago, when I prompted all of this change in my life it was because of him.  If my father would have seen the way I was living my life he would have been very angry with me.  I was withdrawn and lazy with no ambition for anything.  I am now becoming a different person that he could be proud of.  Along with that is the fact that I cannot live everyday in the wake of his death depressed and yearning for him.  I will not be memorializing him in public with chicken and pilaf in Granite City this year.  I cannot dredge him up for every holiday, anniversary or birthday.  It is not healthy for me.  I remember him quietly everyday and remember how greatly he touched my life and influenced my journey.  Friday I am taking the day off of work and am going to lay low.  I will smoke a cigar and have wine with dinner in tribute to him.  That is the way I will choose to grieve for him on that day in this time in my life.  It may be different next year.  Every one has different ways of grieving.  This is mine.  Others don't necessarily agree with it.  That is fine.  That is there path.  This is mine.  This is what is good for me.  This is what I need.  I think...

Spring Cleaning in February

This weekend I really wanted to start tackling my list.  It was a little bit of a rough week at work and I was just glad to be done with it.  I was excited for a plan-free weekend--until I realized I had plans.  Friday after work I headed to Jacksonville to have a grown up slumber party with my good friend Rebecca.  I hardly ever see her since she moved out there, and was glad to be able to see her.  I was reminded of my age as I was snoring on the couch by 10pm.  Oddly enough, we were both wide awake at 5:45am drinking coffee and looking through craft magazines.  I came home super inspired and headed to the library.  As I looked through hat books there, I feared the hat I am making was too small.  After my niece's birthday party, my friend Sarah informed me it was super small.  I couldn't rip it out myself.  So, I made her do it.  Believe it or not, I have never had chili.  I know, right?!  I think I just equated it with eating red gravy (marinara) like soup.  It was such a foreign concept to me.  When we had the opportunity to head out and have some for dinner Saturday night, I jumped at the chance.  I sometimes have to remind Adam that I want to try new things.  Then he is like, "Oh yeah, Okay."  It was great.  And it was Jimmy Fallon's recipe.  My only goal for today, other than normal cleaning, was to tackle our "craft/fishing" room.  This room has become a catch all for everything.  I don't think I have really been in there since we were robbed.  That, of course, isn't the reason it is still a mess, but it still had to be tackled.  I had Adam take out all of his fishing stuff.  My goodness, I didn't realize how much there actually was!  Then I had to wade through my hobbies past.  It was kind of sad to see have completed projects, empty scrapbooks, and random quilt squares.  I don't want to abandon things like this any more.  I want to FINISH what I start.  It is really important to me that I achieve those small goals.  That is why I feel it is important to knit everyday.  Even if just for a few minutes.  Every day.  It is great to incorporate something into my new routine like that.  I hope that this week is less eventful.  I have sadly dropped out of our "biggest loser" competition at work.  My weight has been  fluctuation with quitting smoking and hasn't helped that you have to pay when you gain.  So I think it is best for me just to kind of float for a while.  So that is where I am.  Floating.

Quackers in a Row

So this has been a good week--a really good week.  I have had these thoughts floating in my head since the BPD diagnosis.  It is symptomatic of "borderlines" to assume qualities and traits from those around them.  I sure you think, "oh, Suz, everyone does that."  and you would be true however, I do that.  A lot.  Really, a lot a lot.  It made me think how much of me is me?  Where does Adam end and I begin?  Who am I.  I had a week long identity crisis.  I thought who is to say that right now I can't start over.  Rediscover myself from the outside in.  I am reading Dawna Markova's I Will Not Die an Unlived Life for like the fifth time.  I realized while reading this that at some point I gave up.  I just threw my hands in the air and said, "thats it".  I don't want to do that anymore.  I deserve more from myself.  If everything before this point was now de-bunked, then I would have to start from scratch.  Who am I?  What do I like?  What kind of person do I want to be?  This lead me to put it all down on paper to be accountable for who I want to be.  So here we go:

1. Be Your Own Person
1. What is it that I like
2. Try everything at least once, even if you have tried it before
3. Revisit lost and abandoned hobbies
4. Start reading passionately
5. Question everything- is this what I really want
2. Be Aware of the World Around You
1. Volunteer at least once a month
2. Watch/Read/Listen to the news at least 15 minutes a day
3. Read a local paper at least once a week
3. Get Out There
1. Weather permitting- do an outside activity once a week
2. Weather permitting- go camping at least once a month
3. Weather permitting- go fishing with Adam once a month
4. Go to Rhode Island
5. Spend a me day once a month
4. Thicker Than Water
1. Speak to Mom once a week
2. Spend time with a friend once a week or have a 30 min conversation
3. See nieces bi-monthly
4. Use keyword or action to promote positive think about those around me
5. The Bod
1. Work out three times a week- NO EXCEPTIONS
2. Veggies every meal
3. Cook for Adam twice a week
4. Stop picking
5. Shave legs twice a week
6. Take a long candle lit bath twice a month
6. Next to Godliness
1. Make bed on weekends
2. purge closets, clothes, and purses quarterly
3. re-purpose guest room
4. 15 minutes of general cleaning three times a week
5. completely finish chores
7. Believe
1. Actively try to sort out this "God Thing"
2. Study the Message three times a week
3. Read atheist/agnostic/eastern philosophies
4. Church once a month

On the craft front, things are going very well.  I am getting pretty far on Melissa's baby blanket.  Adam says the the colors will be out of style in a few years.  I don't care I like it and I am doing awesome on it.  I am looking for a travelling project to take to work on lunch and car rides.  Probably another dishcloth.  I will see what the girls at craft group think.  I am hosting it this week and making my Mom's Venus di Milo soup.  Can't wait for it too!

Finish What You Start...

I have always had issues with my bouts of crafting.  I would never actually finish what I had started.  In my craft/fishing room, I have UFO's of all different kinds.  Two quilts, one scrapbook, two crocheted baby blankets, and tons of stamps.  I now wonder why my husband says that I need a hobby--and then need to stick with it.  When I find something new I am enthralled and obsessed with it.  I want to do it all the time, much like a little kid with a new toy.  Eventually the glimmer wears thin and it becomes old and not so interesting.  I am hoping that the whole knitting thing isn't the same.  Because I have quit smoking at the same time, I think this one might last.  Or at least I hope it will.  This is all ironically systematic of my BPD as well.
So I have beat my own stereotype and finished my first knitting project.  I didn't tell my husband what I was making, but in true Suzy style, I gave in and told him half way through.  To help my battered ego, he told me that he could tell what it was.  I made a Transformers dishcloth.  However, will probably never use it for dishes.  So I  shall call it a face cloth.  I was so proud of myself.  My next project is a baby blanket for my sister in law.  There isn't much pressure yet, as she isn't due until June, so that is very helpful.  I am trying to throw another dishcloth in before then.  As of this morning I am already half way done with it.
As far as my new life's journey, I have been failing and progressing about equally.  I haven't been to the gym since Wednesday.  I am actively trying to be more aware of my surroundings and my reaction to them as well.  I think that this is very important.  I am working on a manifesto.  Listing the things I believe in and the things in myself  that I want to work on.  With the BPD you are ever-changing.  A constant mesh of the people around you, but never your own person.  I want to have that identity, not the emptiness that I have felt for so long.  It is just getting it all down on paper that is so hard.  I guess that just leaves more to work on...

And So It Begins...

I never truly understood the idea of blogging. Now, however, I can see its appeal. I guess that we look for as many outlets to express ourselves as possible. Maybe it is narcissistic, but seriously, who cares? And who isn't?! I am 27 years old, married (Adam)with three feline children (Loki, Nipples, yes Nipples, and Ava), and in the winter of my discontent. Just recently started a new job and unsure where life is going. To add insult to injury, my DH decided that we should stop smoking. My very favorite thing. Ever. Gone. Just like that. To help curve cravings I have started knitting and for the past three months I have been working out with my DH. Although, I have no idea what I am doing, despite three failed sessions with a trainer, I continue onward. I am very proud of myself for that very fact as it is something, like most, I have always wanted to do. Let's get real though, I have been far to lazy to actually do. Knowing that the ungodly amount of money comes out like clockwork, I cannot throw it away by not going.

I think a year ago, I would not recognize myself today. I am proud of that. Very proud actually. I have always wanted more routine in my life. To be the person who makes lunch at night instead of paying $1.99 for Ramen at the pharmacy because you didn't have time. So this is it. My journey to a better self. I have not quite figured out the particulars. Just that it will happen. Here is to the road ahead...