Spring Cleaning in February

This weekend I really wanted to start tackling my list.  It was a little bit of a rough week at work and I was just glad to be done with it.  I was excited for a plan-free weekend--until I realized I had plans.  Friday after work I headed to Jacksonville to have a grown up slumber party with my good friend Rebecca.  I hardly ever see her since she moved out there, and was glad to be able to see her.  I was reminded of my age as I was snoring on the couch by 10pm.  Oddly enough, we were both wide awake at 5:45am drinking coffee and looking through craft magazines.  I came home super inspired and headed to the library.  As I looked through hat books there, I feared the hat I am making was too small.  After my niece's birthday party, my friend Sarah informed me it was super small.  I couldn't rip it out myself.  So, I made her do it.  Believe it or not, I have never had chili.  I know, right?!  I think I just equated it with eating red gravy (marinara) like soup.  It was such a foreign concept to me.  When we had the opportunity to head out and have some for dinner Saturday night, I jumped at the chance.  I sometimes have to remind Adam that I want to try new things.  Then he is like, "Oh yeah, Okay."  It was great.  And it was Jimmy Fallon's recipe.  My only goal for today, other than normal cleaning, was to tackle our "craft/fishing" room.  This room has become a catch all for everything.  I don't think I have really been in there since we were robbed.  That, of course, isn't the reason it is still a mess, but it still had to be tackled.  I had Adam take out all of his fishing stuff.  My goodness, I didn't realize how much there actually was!  Then I had to wade through my hobbies past.  It was kind of sad to see have completed projects, empty scrapbooks, and random quilt squares.  I don't want to abandon things like this any more.  I want to FINISH what I start.  It is really important to me that I achieve those small goals.  That is why I feel it is important to knit everyday.  Even if just for a few minutes.  Every day.  It is great to incorporate something into my new routine like that.  I hope that this week is less eventful.  I have sadly dropped out of our "biggest loser" competition at work.  My weight has been  fluctuation with quitting smoking and hasn't helped that you have to pay when you gain.  So I think it is best for me just to kind of float for a while.  So that is where I am.  Floating.

Quackers in a Row

So this has been a good week--a really good week.  I have had these thoughts floating in my head since the BPD diagnosis.  It is symptomatic of "borderlines" to assume qualities and traits from those around them.  I sure you think, "oh, Suz, everyone does that."  and you would be true however, I do that.  A lot.  Really, a lot a lot.  It made me think how much of me is me?  Where does Adam end and I begin?  Who am I.  I had a week long identity crisis.  I thought who is to say that right now I can't start over.  Rediscover myself from the outside in.  I am reading Dawna Markova's I Will Not Die an Unlived Life for like the fifth time.  I realized while reading this that at some point I gave up.  I just threw my hands in the air and said, "thats it".  I don't want to do that anymore.  I deserve more from myself.  If everything before this point was now de-bunked, then I would have to start from scratch.  Who am I?  What do I like?  What kind of person do I want to be?  This lead me to put it all down on paper to be accountable for who I want to be.  So here we go:

1. Be Your Own Person
1. What is it that I like
2. Try everything at least once, even if you have tried it before
3. Revisit lost and abandoned hobbies
4. Start reading passionately
5. Question everything- is this what I really want
2. Be Aware of the World Around You
1. Volunteer at least once a month
2. Watch/Read/Listen to the news at least 15 minutes a day
3. Read a local paper at least once a week
3. Get Out There
1. Weather permitting- do an outside activity once a week
2. Weather permitting- go camping at least once a month
3. Weather permitting- go fishing with Adam once a month
4. Go to Rhode Island
5. Spend a me day once a month
4. Thicker Than Water
1. Speak to Mom once a week
2. Spend time with a friend once a week or have a 30 min conversation
3. See nieces bi-monthly
4. Use keyword or action to promote positive think about those around me
5. The Bod
1. Work out three times a week- NO EXCEPTIONS
2. Veggies every meal
3. Cook for Adam twice a week
4. Stop picking
5. Shave legs twice a week
6. Take a long candle lit bath twice a month
6. Next to Godliness
1. Make bed on weekends
2. purge closets, clothes, and purses quarterly
3. re-purpose guest room
4. 15 minutes of general cleaning three times a week
5. completely finish chores
7. Believe
1. Actively try to sort out this "God Thing"
2. Study the Message three times a week
3. Read atheist/agnostic/eastern philosophies
4. Church once a month

On the craft front, things are going very well.  I am getting pretty far on Melissa's baby blanket.  Adam says the the colors will be out of style in a few years.  I don't care I like it and I am doing awesome on it.  I am looking for a travelling project to take to work on lunch and car rides.  Probably another dishcloth.  I will see what the girls at craft group think.  I am hosting it this week and making my Mom's Venus di Milo soup.  Can't wait for it too!

Finish What You Start...

I have always had issues with my bouts of crafting.  I would never actually finish what I had started.  In my craft/fishing room, I have UFO's of all different kinds.  Two quilts, one scrapbook, two crocheted baby blankets, and tons of stamps.  I now wonder why my husband says that I need a hobby--and then need to stick with it.  When I find something new I am enthralled and obsessed with it.  I want to do it all the time, much like a little kid with a new toy.  Eventually the glimmer wears thin and it becomes old and not so interesting.  I am hoping that the whole knitting thing isn't the same.  Because I have quit smoking at the same time, I think this one might last.  Or at least I hope it will.  This is all ironically systematic of my BPD as well.
So I have beat my own stereotype and finished my first knitting project.  I didn't tell my husband what I was making, but in true Suzy style, I gave in and told him half way through.  To help my battered ego, he told me that he could tell what it was.  I made a Transformers dishcloth.  However, will probably never use it for dishes.  So I  shall call it a face cloth.  I was so proud of myself.  My next project is a baby blanket for my sister in law.  There isn't much pressure yet, as she isn't due until June, so that is very helpful.  I am trying to throw another dishcloth in before then.  As of this morning I am already half way done with it.
As far as my new life's journey, I have been failing and progressing about equally.  I haven't been to the gym since Wednesday.  I am actively trying to be more aware of my surroundings and my reaction to them as well.  I think that this is very important.  I am working on a manifesto.  Listing the things I believe in and the things in myself  that I want to work on.  With the BPD you are ever-changing.  A constant mesh of the people around you, but never your own person.  I want to have that identity, not the emptiness that I have felt for so long.  It is just getting it all down on paper that is so hard.  I guess that just leaves more to work on...

And So It Begins...

I never truly understood the idea of blogging. Now, however, I can see its appeal. I guess that we look for as many outlets to express ourselves as possible. Maybe it is narcissistic, but seriously, who cares? And who isn't?! I am 27 years old, married (Adam)with three feline children (Loki, Nipples, yes Nipples, and Ava), and in the winter of my discontent. Just recently started a new job and unsure where life is going. To add insult to injury, my DH decided that we should stop smoking. My very favorite thing. Ever. Gone. Just like that. To help curve cravings I have started knitting and for the past three months I have been working out with my DH. Although, I have no idea what I am doing, despite three failed sessions with a trainer, I continue onward. I am very proud of myself for that very fact as it is something, like most, I have always wanted to do. Let's get real though, I have been far to lazy to actually do. Knowing that the ungodly amount of money comes out like clockwork, I cannot throw it away by not going.

I think a year ago, I would not recognize myself today. I am proud of that. Very proud actually. I have always wanted more routine in my life. To be the person who makes lunch at night instead of paying $1.99 for Ramen at the pharmacy because you didn't have time. So this is it. My journey to a better self. I have not quite figured out the particulars. Just that it will happen. Here is to the road ahead...