So I have been thinking lately. A lot. I have this thing--this word vomit. It happens all the time. Especially when I don't think people are very fond of me. I just spit out this random things, true or false, if I believe that those words will make someone like me better. Typically after a bout of such vomit, I will feel immediate remorse as I have crossed that line in the sand between "aw, how awkward" to "oh she is that girl". From time to time these things can be mean and cutting and I regret them as soon as it leaves my lips. It is so embarrassing. I am constantly retracing my steps and running conversations over and over in my head. This regret process is exhausting.
I realized lately that I go to such extreme lengths like this to get people to like me, because I do not like myself so much right now. Rather than running conversations, I need to put my focus on me. I am still not sure who I am, so how can I like me? It is an ever evolving process. Someone once told me that I expect too much from myself. While that may be true, I owe it to myself to strip away the layers to see what is left. This week there will be no makeup, no vomit, no going out of my way. Just me. Fresh faced to see what is underneath it all.
Adam and I were talking about my knitting. I was telling him that I had been knitting for five months. That was an exaggeration to prove my point. We all fudge a bit. Some more than others. I do more so when it is convenient. This behavior will not make me a better person. Being honest and realistic will. That is my goal for the week. Honest and realistic.
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