I have been finishing things lately. I am very proud of that. It has been hard though. I have been putting everything I have of myself in to changing and hopefully becoming a better person. It is hard to forget the not-so-distant past where I have not been the best person. I can't just change that away. It is there it will always be. The not nice things that I have said and thought about and to people makes me feel guilty and bad. I can tell that despite my changes that other people see it too. I catch Adam saying "well that is not what happened before"... I cannot just call "shenanigans" on my past intentions just because now my intentions are good and pure. I guess that it is just part of the reality of things.
I found myself Friday, on the anniversary of my father's death, alone. (Don't feel sorry) It was just part of the day. When I woke up very early I was very alone and very aware of the day's significance. I wasn't sure how to feel, but for the first time in a very long time, I just let myself fully feel my feelings about my loss. I was on Facebook looking at a collage of photos of him and just sobbing. It was that good sobbing that you do when no one is around. There was just a release. Then my cousin Dawn came on to Skype and I made her talk to me for over an hour. She asked my how I was doing. I said that I was fine. I was in my pjs with tears running down my face. Then I said I wasn't fine. I realized I was so pre-conditioned to this state of "fine-ness" for the past year. I definitely wasn't fine. I was pissed. I was angry. I was sad. I was definitely NOT fine. And it was okay. We had such a great talk, and it was so good to "see" her. It makes me realize how much I miss my family. I sometimes try to make Adam's family my family. It just doesn't work. (I am sure that they find it annoying that every few months I am just all about them.)
The weekend went just as quickly as it came. It seems like this next week is gone just as well. I am really not sure what I am doing that makes time pass like this, but at times I like it.
I made a coffee cup cozy for a coworker. It came out really quickly and is really cute. Then on Saturday, I started a basic roll-brimmed hat. I finished it Sunday night. Later I sadly realized it fit my four year old niece. So Monday I tore it out and added a few more rows and Tuesday I finished it at knitting group. I liked the pattern so much I am starting another one for my sister in law.
I am afraid that spring allergies are sneaking into the house and exploding havoc in our sinuses. Hopefully we can keep it at bay.
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